I just came from Subic for a cousin’s wedding. Weddings! It has unusual effect on me. It stirs me into a sudden dreamlike state in a little more than 5 minutes. It was the same dreamlike state that I experience after two hours of good romantic film. It almost made me cry.

I mean, I am witnessing a true-to-life love saga here. It’s reason enough to cry a river but the fact that I do not know more than half of the guests keeps my tears from falling. Oh, what am I saying? I guess the hopeless romantic in me is speaking again.

I should be back to reality…No, I’m not. Aside from the fact that my foot hurts because of a few blisters my shoes are giving me and my blouse is a little ill fitting, I can’t think of anything real about the wedding. It was a dream coming true and it was beautiful. It was the beginning of my cousin’s journey to forever. They are happy, and I wish they would be for the rest of their married life.

            It led me to thinking about the greatest wedding that I would attend…Mine. The problem is I haven’t met my groom. It’s been predicted that I’ll spend all my life being single. People see me as an old-maid material, that spinster-ish type. Believe me when I say that even if I am still young, I could see more signs that I am going to end up married to myself.

   It's late and I'm still awake...Still thinking about my life. Still thinking about what's in the past, what's for today, and what's in store in the future.

   I  was thinking to my self that this is a sad, sick, cruel world and it's ready to crush my ideals out of my head. It's the harsh reality slapping me hard on the face and telling me to wake up and stopping me from dreaming these stupid dreams. People around me, the media, and myself are turning against me...Turning me into one of those educated ghosts whose sole purpose is to work for money and pay the bills. These ghosts look at me...I can't recognize their faces...But they know me and they wanted me to become like them.

   I can't go back from where I came from. I can't face the fact that I will become one of those nameless ghosts no matter how I try to avoid it. There's no escaping it. It's haunting me. In my sleep and even when I'm awake. As the clock ticks, I'm being swept further and further away from the past that I keep holding on to and closer to those ghosts that scares me.

   I can only delay things, but I can't go on forever. It's useless to fight it. It is my destiny. It's calling me by name. I will become an educated ghost, an intellectual monster, a literate vampire, a corporate slave. I will become a faceless, nameless creature who will pay the bills and who will periodically savor the comforts that money could buy.

   At this moment, I'm delaying my transformation. I'm refusing to give in. I am enjoying my short time with myself...My true self. I am enjoying the moment with my sanity, my bliss, my precious little bliss. But I have very little time left. Within months, my transformation will be complete. I will become one of those who haunts. But for now, the taught of being haunted is lulling me to sleep......

I went to the mall today to find a blouse that I am going to wear for a cousin’s wedding. Haaaayyy! Here I go again. I should enjoy shopping for clothes. It should be fun but for me, but I think it lost some of its appeal.

You see I’m on the heavy side of things and I’ve been like this ever since I can remember. I am one of those people who always wish that the clothes on the racks would be two sizes bigger. It’s that, or, I would be two sizes smaller.

Maybe I am feeling a little frustrated by the idea that I barely fit into the pretty clothes in stores. Just thinking about it makes me feel that little insecurity that maybe I am not destined to wear any pretty clothes at all.

Yeah, I’m beginning to feel a little paranoid too. I feel like there’s a conspiracy somewhere. Like they make clothes smaller and you’ll end up feeling bad. So what are you going to do? Enroll in an overpriced health gym or subject yourself to fad diets they advertise on televisions, then maybe you’ll fit into these clothes. After which, you’ll spot these bone-thin models on the magazine stands and feel like your work isn’t enough, so you’ll end up thinking that you should shed some more flab or die trying.

It’s always like this, isn’t it? That need to look perfect is insatiable. The perfect sin of vanity is such a wonderful addiction. I mean, you’ll almost feel guilty if you can’t give in to vanity’s magnetic charms.

I think I’m overreacting again...and oh, about the blouse? I think I’ll buy a book instead.

Weeks have passed since I have posted my last entry and I have my reasons. I went to Laguna for Christmas and New Year and there’s no PC. I also figured out that this would (probably) be the best time for me to spend my time with family and friends, and take a time out from mulling over my world and my life.